Flan

“I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. *God* Karen, you're so stupid!”

                        -- Regina

Custard at its most basic is eggs and milk. If you’re making dessert custard then you have to bring in some sugar. That’s all it takes to make something velvety and wonderful. Except, not really. Even if the only ingredients were eggs, milk, and sugar, I could write a whole book on exactly what to do with those base materials.

Flan takes things a step further and brings in my culinary nemesis: caramelized sugar. How many pots of crystallized or burnt sugar have lost their lives in my drive to make a toasty sugar syrup? It’s taken me dozens of attempts to figure out the appropriate technique, but melting sugar is clearly a skill that only comes with practice.

This time I’m using an excellent recipe from Rick Bayless. I’m sure it’s perfect made exactly as he specifies, but I’ll never know. I can never make this recipe without feeling compelled to change it; I'll discuss some of those alternations below. Needless to say, this post will be filled with stories about incredibly stupid custard shortcuts I've taken over the years. Don't follow in my footsteps.

Paris-Brest Custard Cake

"Make sure you check out her mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks."
                     -- Gretchen

The first post, like the pilot episode, is a crap shoot. I’m making this up as I go and look forward to hating my earlier posts in six months. Until I find my stride, reading this blog is going to be similar to watching a blind man direct traffic. I’d apologize, but your discomfort isn’t important to me, and as a Bradley, I do everything I can to avoid admitting my mistakes.

I looked it up, and I cannot legally post recipes without the author’s permission. Which is a shame since I hate food blogs that don’t provide recipes. I’ll look into loopholes.

This week I chose to make a Paris-Brest Custard Cake. As the photos might indicate, there were many boob jokes to be had. The story goes that the pastry was designed to celebrate a bicycle race between the cities of Paris and Brest. That’s why it looks like a breast bike wheel. I got the recipe from “Butter Sugar Flour Eggs,” an excellent dessert cookbook by Gale Gand, Rick Tramonto, and Julia Moskin. I’m going to post numerous recipes from this book, not just because the food looks good but also because the writers are… eccentric. Each ingredient has its own chapter, complete with a “personality profile.” Those readers who know me personally are probably aware of my tendency to name inanimate objects, but even I don’t give butter a full battery of psychological tests. (Sentence one of the profile: “Butter is a true aristocrat – and a modest one.”)

This is definitely not something one throws together just as company is walking in the door. It took me about four hours to bake and assemble, and in the process I decimated the kitchen. It looked like I’d beaten a giant cream puff to death with every spoon and bowl I own.