"Miss Marple"
I'm pretty much the opposite of "Your Fearful Leader." I like healthy food, and I like knowing where it comes from (on a good day, I've even met the farmer). As I prefer food that makes me feel good after I eat it, I'm very picky about what desserts I eat. As you can imagine, this presents something of a challenge for YFL's post-dinner circuses. If I like something, chances are it has some ingredient integrity and doesn't feature high fructose corn syrup. I'm also kind of allergic to gluten, so anything with flour has to be awesome enough that I don't care if it makes me sick. But look at it this way--if I recommend something, you could successfully serve it to your mother-in-law without so much as a single pursed lip.
Brownie
No doubt I will get hate mail for this, but I don't really like brownies. At least, I don't like most brownies. Cake-y things tend to make me feel ill, so if I'm going to eat a brownie it really needs to be closer to fudge. Chocolate is awesome, but there really needs to be less flour.
Cake
Meh. I haven't met a cake that I truly enjoy. You hear that, YFL? That's a challenge!
Candy
I love homemade candy. Pretty much all of it, but toffee is my absolute favorite. That perfect brittleness coated in chocolate just can't be beat, but caramel and anything slightly crunchy are excellent alternatives. I'll eat gummies and other stuff too, but not with the same hedonistic abandon.
Cookies
I don't like my cookies to have crunchy things in them. It's like walking around in the dark and suddenly stepping on something furry that moves. Yeah, it could just be the cat or a dust bunny come to life, but it could also be a giant, evil rat. The feeling I experience when I find raisins in my otherwise delicious oatmeal cookies is remarkably similar to finding rats in my kitchen, but I don't chase the raisins with machetes while making that Bedouin tribal war cry...except for that one time. So basically, I like raisin-less oatmeal cookies, peanut butter cookies, sugar cookies, and snickerdoodle cookies. The chewier, the better. If I wanted to eat something hard and flat that fits conveniently in the palm of my hand, I would pry up a cobblestone.
Cookie Dough
Cookie dough is a completely different story. My first time to take the car out alone after I got my license was to buy a package of cookie dough so I could eat it raw without censure from my mother. White chocolate macademia nut. That's where it's at. Sugar cookie dough is a close second. Chocolate chip...meh. I always just eat around the chocolate chips and discard them at the end, like..actually, never mind. That simile isn't going anywhere good.
Custard
Yes. Yes to all of it, but like YFL, my favorite is a smooth, silky creme-brulle texture.
Ice Cream
I'm not a big fan of the "classic" flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry: Booooring. I like fruit flavored ice creams, preferably with actual fruit in them. The more tropical and outlandish the flavor, the more I will enjoy it. Mango, coconut, kiwi, pomegranate--bring them on!
Pastry
Meh. Croissants are all right. Just all right. Kolaches are really my favorite though.
Pie
I. Love. Pie. All pies. Favorites are fruit pies featuring berries, but pies with custard fillings are a close second. I like a light, fluffy crust and a filling just this side of tart. With fruit fillings, the sugar shouldn't overwhelm the natural flavors of the fruit. I don't want Welches jelly in a flour pocket, I want to be able to taste the fruit. Custard fillings should be smooth and not grainy.
"Dorian"
I'm pretty much the opposite of "Your Fearful Leader." I like healthy food, and I like knowing where it comes from (on a good day, I've even met the farmer). As I prefer food that makes me feel good after I eat it, I'm very picky about what desserts I eat. As you can imagine, this presents something of a challenge for YFL's post-dinner circuses. If I like something, chances are it has some ingredient integrity and doesn't feature high fructose corn syrup. I'm also kind of allergic to gluten, so anything with flour has to be awesome enough that I don't care if it makes me sick. But look at it this way--if I recommend something, you could successfully serve it to your mother-in-law without so much as a single pursed lip.
Brownie
No doubt I will get hate mail for this, but I don't really like brownies. At least, I don't like most brownies. Cake-y things tend to make me feel ill, so if I'm going to eat a brownie it really needs to be closer to fudge. Chocolate is awesome, but there really needs to be less flour.
Cake
Meh. I haven't met a cake that I truly enjoy. You hear that, YFL? That's a challenge!
Candy
I love homemade candy. Pretty much all of it, but toffee is my absolute favorite. That perfect brittleness coated in chocolate just can't be beat, but caramel and anything slightly crunchy are excellent alternatives. I'll eat gummies and other stuff too, but not with the same hedonistic abandon.
Cookies
I don't like my cookies to have crunchy things in them. It's like walking around in the dark and suddenly stepping on something furry that moves. Yeah, it could just be the cat or a dust bunny come to life, but it could also be a giant, evil rat. The feeling I experience when I find raisins in my otherwise delicious oatmeal cookies is remarkably similar to finding rats in my kitchen, but I don't chase the raisins with machetes while making that Bedouin tribal war cry...except for that one time. So basically, I like raisin-less oatmeal cookies, peanut butter cookies, sugar cookies, and snickerdoodle cookies. The chewier, the better. If I wanted to eat something hard and flat that fits conveniently in the palm of my hand, I would pry up a cobblestone.
Cookie Dough
Cookie dough is a completely different story. My first time to take the car out alone after I got my license was to buy a package of cookie dough so I could eat it raw without censure from my mother. White chocolate macademia nut. That's where it's at. Sugar cookie dough is a close second. Chocolate chip...meh. I always just eat around the chocolate chips and discard them at the end, like..actually, never mind. That simile isn't going anywhere good.
Custard
Yes. Yes to all of it, but like YFL, my favorite is a smooth, silky creme-brulle texture.
Ice Cream
I'm not a big fan of the "classic" flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry: Booooring. I like fruit flavored ice creams, preferably with actual fruit in them. The more tropical and outlandish the flavor, the more I will enjoy it. Mango, coconut, kiwi, pomegranate--bring them on!
Pastry
Meh. Croissants are all right. Just all right. Kolaches are really my favorite though.
Pie
I. Love. Pie. All pies. Favorites are fruit pies featuring berries, but pies with custard fillings are a close second. I like a light, fluffy crust and a filling just this side of tart. With fruit fillings, the sugar shouldn't overwhelm the natural flavors of the fruit. I don't want Welches jelly in a flour pocket, I want to be able to taste the fruit. Custard fillings should be smooth and not grainy.
"Dorian"
I love vegetables, they are a wonderful part of my life. But they have no place in the world of dessert. Desserts should be beautiful, nutrition should never enter the equation. However, fine organic ingredients are vital to the perfect flavor. Dessert is art. If it doesn't at least amuse me, why make it?
Brownie
The perfect brownie is composed of a rich dark chocolate with a thick cream cheese swirl right through the middle. It should fall apart in my mouth like a chocolate/dairy/fat avalanche of joy.
Candy
Pie
Brownie
The perfect brownie is composed of a rich dark chocolate with a thick cream cheese swirl right through the middle. It should fall apart in my mouth like a chocolate/dairy/fat avalanche of joy.
Cake
Cake is made to go with either tea or coffee, so a slice should complement the rich beverages with its light sweetness. It should also be beautiful, because it's dessert, it's meant to be gorgeous.
Candy
The perfect candy is a simple, attractive, strongly flavored finger food. If it doesn't entice you to eat it with its glowing jewel tones and magical glittery sheen, throw it away.
Cookie
A cookie should essentially just create a shell of sweet dough that encases an explosion of chocolate or some other filling. A dry cookie is like the edible incarnation of disappointment. If it doesn't have a good filling to dough ratio, it's a pile of mush. Balance is key.
Cookie Dough
The unbaked version of a cookie, however, is just the opposite. It must be a swarm of bitter chocolate and a moist, round sugary flavor. It should be spongy enough to absorb all of your sorrows, then replace the emotional and sexual satisfaction you so badly need.
Custard
Custard belongs in pies and cakes. If you're eating it by itself, you're either in a hospital or have extremely poor taste. In pies, it needs to be a multi-noted enough to carry the whole dessert. In cakes, it needs to be consistent and gentle enough to play second fiddle.
Ice Cream
Sorbet is the way to go. I want a tart, light treat that can be the orgasmic conclusion to a decadent dinner that I've just consumed and might soon be purging. Make it fresh, make it fruity, and make it cold.
Pastry
I like breakfast pastries, I want them flaky and unassuming. Pastries should be prepared, baked and consumed freshly. Day old pastry is called dog food. Acceptable fillings are custard and fruit compotes. That is all.
It's meant to be All-American. I like my pie creamy and incredibly bad for your heart. Fruit should be layered with dairy, as should chocolate. A good meringue is vital to all pie prep. Without that last fluffy white layer, it's just a tart.
